Your face is a jimmy john
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
