i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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