so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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