please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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