farters have to be the big spoon...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
