I puked a lego.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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