i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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