brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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