he puts the penis in happiness.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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