I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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