The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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