There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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