Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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