i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
