If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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