did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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