I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
