just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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