dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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