It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
