I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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She swung at the pinata with crutches
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
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The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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