did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
