He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
