My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
