so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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