My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
