Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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