I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found puke in my bra..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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