I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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