Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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