that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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