Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You may now shotgun with the bride
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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