When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
