if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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