I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
