well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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