Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
