So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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