if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
