Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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