The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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