ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Boobs speak an international language.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
