Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
