Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
