my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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