Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
