so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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