you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
