I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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