We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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