You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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