its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
