I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
