After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
