There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
