overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
