3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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